Today I went to visit him… my beloved son, my firstborn, the one who made me a Mommy. People probably assume it gets easier as time goes on, but truthfully, it doesn’t. The hurt is just as raw like it was yesterday and my heart still bleeds with grief. Truthfully, I know I’ll be heartbroken for the rest of my life – and that’s just something I’ve had to learn to embrace.
It’s been 17 months since Noah left us and there are still so many days where I just want to crawl into bed and never wake up until I can see his face again. I have asked myself repeatedly how I’m supposed to go on living without my child and it amazes me when I look back and realize that I’ve somehow managed to do just that. I’ve managed to survive through the worst, I’ve managed to smile again, and I’ve managed to try to find joy somehow.
Ironically, I’ve learned that life can somehow be so much more beautiful after experiencing such devastation. Somehow, experiencing the darkest moments has enabled me to more clearly see and appreciate the lighter moments in life. I believe that’s what Noah would want for us – to be able to still see light and to spread that light to others. I believe that’s a gift he left us.
I know Noah is always with us, but I still want his life on earth to matter, make a difference, and impact others. I always believed my son would be a change agent, and I still believe he will be. Although his life was tragically cut short, it was so utterly beautiful. He brought so much happiness to us in the short time he was here, and we are blessed to now help others hopefully share in that beauty.
Here’s to being brave, optimistic, and living beautiful lives.